Memorial holiday

Tomorrow is Memorial Day so most of those who work will have an extra day for the weekend.  Norm was a veteran, serving 4 years in the Air Force during the Vietnam years, as a language specialist, Russian no less.  These days those who are veterans are very much in the minority; I'm not sure when or why this happened.  The military was a good choice for guys that didn't want college, or couldn't afford it, and guys who were at loose ends for what kind of a career they wanted.  Norm's reason was the last, he figured out how poor his high school training was if you wanted to be, say, an engineer and so he enlisted.

I'm trying to get back in my usual groove, but it is hard.  I can see why people often sell up and move to another home, I still am feeling like he will walk in the door at any minute.  When I surf the channels I still mentally choose what he would like, but have no intention in actually tuning in football, golf, or PBS.  I will never have to watch NCIS or NCIS-LA again, thank my lucky stars.  He was a big fan of both of those and would, at any moment, launch into a synopsis of that weeks' episode.  Better by far to watch it myself, than to having it explained.  I would ask, how many people got killed this week?  Both of those were (are) incredibly violent.  And he had the first 7 seasons on DVDs, and taped each episode on In Demand, so he could watch it again to pick out details.

The thank you notes still have to be written for those who sent a memorial gift, or flowers, or food.  I know there is no hurry, as the memorial gathering was a week ago.

big damn wasp in here, bye

Checking in

My psych doctor called me today to see how I am doing.  She got the urine drug screen results, all 100 of them, and that I will be pleased to know that the "none detected" included heroin, ecstasy , cocaine, and that the ones detected included toprol (BP control), Seroquel (antidepression),  etc, all my prescribed meds.  She was quite amused, why someone thought it was necessary to do this panel, and if I get a bill from LabCorp or the hospital to just set it aside and she will carry the battle to them.  Whoosh!

 I'm nearly done with the minutiae of Norm's affairs and I am determined not to do this myself when I pass.  It's funny, sometimes, before his death, I would think, Hmmm, I could do this different if I was alone, not seriously considering.  Do you know, I have found very few of those things.  So far I have decreed that bananas go in the fridge, the horses stay turned out even when it rains, the cats don't get fed at our dinnertime (to get them out of the kitchen), and so on.  The one large change I will make, after all the dust settles, is to trade the whale (Highlander) for a Lexus.  That is if I have enough money to handle the purchase.

It is this time of day when my feelings of loss overwhelm me, midnight, and I know nothing will work to fix it.  Grit my teeth and go on.  Every time I would walk past his easy chair, he would reach out his hand for me to hold for a few seconds.  Now I sit in that chair, and my son is the one who reaches a hand to me.  The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Peace.

"There's no time like now to postpone doing stuff"

Life

It has been 6 days since my husband Norm died, but it feels like it was yesterday.  I can see that I am going through the reactions to grief:  according to On Grief and Grieving by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.  But I seem to be stuck in the first stage, denial . "Denial is the first of the five stages of grief. It helps us to survive the loss. In this stage, the world becomes meaningless and overwhelming. Life makes no sense. We are in a state of shock and denial. We go numb. We wonder how we can go on, if we can go on, why we should go on. We try to find a way to simply get through each day. Denial and shock help us to cope and make survival possible. Denial helps us to pace our feelings of grief. There is a grace in denial. It is nature’s way of letting in only as much as we can handle."

I keep feeling that Norm will return from a business trip.  Yesterday I looked everywhere for a certain photo of him, and I stumbled upon a sketch, a baby pencil drawing of him and his sister, that I had searched for years ago.  My immediate thought was, Norm is going to be so pleased that this turned up, and then I felt the jolt as I thought, Norm won't ever return, and will never enjoy this or anything else.  In a way I wish I could be a believer in God, but that ship sailed long ago.  I must cope.  There is so much to be done, and I keep finding more tasks as I go.  I will be finding things to do for months.  For instance, the cable bill is more than $200 a month, who would have thought this?  And his Prime status for Amazon.  And the balance of the car loan.  And on and on.

I still cry when I have to inform a caller on the phone that there isn't any reason to take a message, and I am so glad the local newspaper got his obit  in on the 13th (Friday!) so some of his contacts need not call.  The actual informal gathering at the funeral home will be on the 23rd, to give his sister time to get here.  Come to think about it, his sister may want the sketch...

I don't want this to be too maudlin of a post, so I will stop here.

Accchhh  I'm losing it.



Addendum:  My hit counter has disappeared once again, and I am too sad?  Preoccupied?  Depressed?  Whatever, to hunt up the problem or get another, so I'll just tell you, it is 38,000 or there about.

May 10th, 2016

My husband N of 45 years died this morning, here at home, on his way to another radiation treatment.  Probably from a stroke.  This was a shock, but the EMS and fire guys came almost instantly, and worked on him with CPR for 20 minutes or more.  I feel totally at sea.  I am going to go to the funeral staff and pre-plan for my own end.  It is too much to do this without any guidance when death comes calling.

I love him so much.

Keeping the boat afloat

I feel overwhelmed now that N is home.  He gets out of bed, sits in his recliner in the LR, and except for potty breaks, there he stays.  Asking for water, snacks, pills, his Kindle (charge it first), and so on.  Would you believe, the very first thing he did when he got home is turn his PC on and go to the bill pay for our bank and start firing money to the outstanding bills.  I had already paid electricity bills, credit cards, water bill, all the critical ones, so there wasn't much remaining to do, no rush.  Made me feel like a 10 year old with daddy checking my homework.

 I wonder how this is all going to shake out.  I'm not in great shape myself, and C is the one who bears the brunt of the tasks that are needed.  It isn't fair to him, and I know he is approaching a melt down himself.  I will need to intervene.  N has a new gesture; if you tell him something he doesn't want to hear (like that the kitchen counter has split in a new place) he turns his attention to the TV and goes all blank in the face.  I get up and leave the LR when he watches baseball(!!) or endless repeats of NCIS episodes.  Neither which he did before the hospital stay.  Brainwashing!!

Ah well, this too will pass, and it will most probably be far too soon.  Then I will feel bad for being cranky.  N is getting daily radiation therapy (not, thank gods, on weekends) imagine how ill he will feel when the chemo starts in another week.  And it takes hours, and leaves you feeling like some squishy thing on the waterline.  As my t-shirt says, cancer sucks.

Back to bed.  Send positive energy to us, or pray for us if that is your custom.  Peace.

Quote for the day:  "Even a small star shines in the darkness."

Cancer

Yesterday N went to the radiation unit for treatment of his metastatic lesions in his occipital lobes.  While there they (the radiologists) identified two more lesions in his chest, and those are what they will treat first, starting tomorrow (actually today) and continuing for 10 days.  It is a simple procedure for N and a quick one, except he has to go to another hospital to have it done.

I don't know why I am writing this here, it doesn't help me and I know all of you don't care.  Well, most of you.

Back to bed.