Wednesday, April 27, 2016


My husband (N) has had a stroke and is back in the hospital.  He is "very very sick" (doctor's words) and the next 48 hours are critical.  Please send positive thoughts our way, that we can get through this together.

No funny quotes, my heart is too heavy.

Monday, April 18, 2016

Well well well

N (husband) has been diagnosed "officially" with adenocarcinoma in his lung (hasn't smoked in 45 years) and metastases into his occipital lobe on either side of his spine.  He will be going  into chemo next week for one-out-of-three weeks, for series of at least 3 times.  He will also go under the gamma knife for the brain lesions as well.  None of this is fun and giggles, and there isn't anything I can do to make it better for him.   I am wrestling with my own cognition problems.  For example I wrote myself a note "Tile floors  1 cup vinegar plus 1 gal hot water, wash with soft brush."  OK so far, right?  then it goes:  "Add somewhat of dish soap than Coptich wited so into mail muscles, the more season"  Huh??  It gets worse the later the writings/typing I try to do.  So between the two of us, we will have one functioning brain, I guess.

If not for son C we would be so much worse.  He handles the feeding of the horses, the lawn work, the kitchen clean-up and laundry and so on.  It isn't any earth shattering tasks, but I couldn't manage it all on my best day.  All this in addition to driving N to all of his appointments. 

Daughter isn't doing her share, but that will change on Saturday.  I don't expect much from her after work (she gets home at 9 pm)  But she could do some smaller tasks before work and on weekends, something besides play that ridiculous on-line game.  Grocery shopping for one; kitty litter scooping for another.  We will see how it all shakes out.  I'm looking for a lot of flouncing around so we can see how she resents all this.

That's it for now.  Send me good thoughts to get me through the months ahead.

Thought for the day:  "It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker ."

Monday, April 11, 2016

You were always on my mind

Last week N (husband) had an MRI of his head and chest because he has been huffing and puffing and felt a pain in his neck. Two days ago he got the diagnosis.

He has cancer in the occipital lobe of his brain, metastatic into his neck as well.

 I don't know if N really knows what that means, but we see the oncologist later this morning (it is 3 am now) and he will be able to ask questions.  He is seeing the same oncologist that I did, and we have an idea of what the process is.  He has weakness in his hands that he cannot use the left one to grip at all, and little air for doing anything (the cancer pushes on one lung).  We each have long term care insurance, which is a comfort to me.  He has been the one to do the bills every month; I used to do it, so I guess I will learn the process again.  Our son will have to pick up the chores for the horses, and our daughter the household tasks.  I am pretty weak walking the grocery in the huge one we go to, my knees feel like they are on fire and I need to sit down RIGHT NOW.  I will figure out something I guess, someway to break the big push in the do-it-all-now to manage smaller trips.  Thank god for our son C who has been out of work since the aftermath of his shattered knee, he can do the basics at the barn and mowing, etc.  I don't care if he gets an offer for all the resumes he has sent out, I need him here.  N doesn't agree,but I am stymied for any alternative.  I wish we had two sons!

I'm going back to bed. 
Thought for the day:  "Common sense is so rare these days, it should be classified as a super power."

Monday, April 04, 2016

A few regrets

I was in a shop this morning and heard this song (an oldie from Frank Sinatra, "I did it my way") on the loudspeakers.  We don't do things "our way" in real life, do we?  And we end up with more than a few regrets, sad to say.  But if you lived your life with the ultimate goal of having no regrets at the end, you'd be stuck in the starting gate, so to speak.  No one has a handbook for an error-less passage through life, including those who claim the Bible is such a roadmap.

So much for philosophy.

I got up Sunday and thought how bright and sunny it looked outside, and then I lifted the window shade and THERE IT WAS!!  Snow! 4 inches on April 3rd !!  It didn't last too long, it was in the 50s the rest of the day, but it sure spoiled my morning.  It's spring, dammit.  The stink bugs got the memo, we killed 6 in the house yesterday, so at least some of them are out and about.  We have sealed every possible crack and still they find their way in.

I see my doctor tomorrow, where we can discuss my so-called positive urine test for pot.  It is impossible to prove a negative.  I can swear up and down I don't do pot, but doctor B would have to take it on faith, and he doesn't know me.  And users can be most convincing liars and pot is available everywhere, I guess.  I don't know how I would find some, but wouldn't it be nice if it were legal?  I don't have a problem now, but boy I wish I had some MJ back when I had chemotherapy.  I had drugs that vanquished the pain, but the nausea was grim, even using phenergan.  And with all of that, I still didn't lose weight.  Sigh.  Anyway, I plan on telling Dr.B that if he won't give me opioids when my test/tests are positive, then don't.  I would rather manage my knee and shoulder pain with OTC drugs than having to pee in a cup every time I see him.

AND I am so glad, once again, that I am not working, or trying for a new job, or dependent on one doctor for all my meds.  I have read some sad tales of people losing their job, home, children, everything, from a positive test.

Thought for the day:  "Why would I want to delete cookies?!"