Monday, April 30, 2007

Has it been that long?

While I was still working I thought that once I was retired I'd have time to post all sorts of things. But in reality I am posting less often. I have been told that it takes a full year to get used to retirement, that in the first few months you feel like you are on an extended vacation, and then you get caught up in all the things to do in/on the house now that you are there to see what needs to be done all day every day. And all that is true, I think. But I found that a broken ankle that keeps you from doing anything in the house, or going out, or doing much if you ARE out, mainly leaves me feeling so depressed I could barely get out of bed. Many days I never got dressed, brushed my teeth, or combed my hair. All I could tell myself was "this won't last" like a mantra.

And it didn't. Today the doctor told me I could forego the walking boot and launch out in actual shoes. This means I can DRIVE! I haven't been so excited about getting behind the wheel since I got my license at 16. Freedom! So the depression may get bad again, but I will tell myself "this won't last" once again.

And I'll try to post more often, if only to have a place to air my thoughts, such as they are. And if people read it and think "boring" It doesn't matter; it's not like I'm delivering a paid product, after all.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007


The cast is OFF! Went to my new ortho doctor, who x-rayed and decreed that my ankle was OK to go into a (removable) walking boot. I can take it off to shower, to sleep, even to hobble gingerly to the bathroom. I feel like dancing..err..not quite. But soon...

Oh yes, and Raven is also out of her splint and only limped a bit for a few days afterward. Now she is back to harassing the cats, who had gotten used to her limited mobility and now have to hustle to get out of reach. She is now 15 weeks old and weighs 35 pounds. She MUST learn to go down stairs, even muscular son is having difficulty carrying her when she needs to go out.

I am avoiding all TV news because I cannot bear all the post-tragedy rhetoric about Virginia Tech. The horror of what went on, especially for the survivors, makes me feel physically ill. Just writing this much makes me feel ill.

Yesterday was the husband's birthday. He always has a mixed attitude about it. On one hand he wants us to make a fuss about him, and on the other he doesn't want to acknowledge that he is, well, (whisper) older. How can we win at this? Make him a birthday cake and then pretend it's for no special reason? We went out to dinner (first time since I broke my ankle) which was very yummy. I gave him a WW II photo of the flying tigers, autographed by the commander, which I ordered online. A fun time was had by all.

New depression med is perhaps helping with the persistent depression. I ardently hope that the other meds are not losing their efficationess. If that's a real word. Going off one anti-depressant and onto another has in the past sent me into a total meltdown, and I'm running out of classes of drugs to try. I wish I could take my brain out and give it a good scrubdown and then reboot.

This is certainly an uninspired post, I think I'll just give up now....bye!

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Those were the days, my friend

I noticed today, not for the first time, that I am definitely getting old. In some ways, on the inside, I still feel like I am 18; I still feel awkward and gauche in social settings, un-informed about current events, certain that everyone else is better than me at cooking and housekeeping, that my kids are lazy and self-centered, and I'm a lousy driver. But yet as I look around me, I can see that, like the lyric in 'Strawberry Wine' there is nothing that Time hasn't touched. I think of my Lotsa dog, and with a jolt I realize that the puppy times for her were more than 20 years in the past. I think about heart-ties to pets that no one but me and N remember. I think about friends that came and went in my life, some moving away, and some passing on. Family traditions that have vanished because there is no one left to do them. Places like playgrounds and parks that are no more. They're tearing down my old high school this year, a school that was 'state-of-the-art', and building a new one just in time for my 40th reunion. Physical things, old photos that have faded to illegibility, dried corsages that are ribbon and dust, a quilt that is nearly transparent from use, even prosaic things like my rolling pin, a gift on our wedding day from my to-be father-in-law, that got crammed in a drawer once too often. Who expects to wear out a rolling pin? And like my mother did in her day, I find many new things to be unsatisfactory; much cheaper in price, but poorly made, solid old brick buildings replaced by new cracker boxes with paper thin walls, lovely big trees cut down between one day and the next to make room for more parking spaces. I always thought that I was someone who embraced change, like when the music of the 60s disappeared I found the current music to be fine too--right up until the 90s ended, and the music began to sound too strident, too incoherent, and yes, too loud. Now everyone looks too young to me, doctors, plumbers, mailmen, everyone, and when I see old farts on TV gabbing on and on about the Vietnam war, it's a shock to realize they are in fact my age. The entertainers like Cher and Robert Redford are old farts too, and the new ones on the magazine covers are completely unrecognizable. People talk about movies I've not only not seen, but never even heard of, when did that happen? When I tell the kids an old old joke, they laugh instead of groan, because it's not old to them. When I watch TV, I spend an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out where I've seen that actor before, only to find out it's the son or daughter of the actor I remember. And god knows my body is wearing out, I've only to listen to the cacophony of my knees to know that.

Anyway, as I reflect on all of this, I wonder if it wouldn't be the best to accept, even embrace my ever-growing decrepitude. Go ahead and wear cotton housedresses and ankle socks. Give up makeup, haircolor, and tweezing my bristles. Keep playing LPs, go back to Windows 3.1, put cash in little envelopes for groceries, clip coupons.

Wait a minute...would I have to vote Republican?

Never mind.

Monday, April 09, 2007


Saw the ortho doc today. He said there was a little healing occurring on the broken ankle in one (small) spot, put on a new cast and said "4 weeks more" minimum. It is 25 days today since I broke it. I went home, and 4 hours later I'm back at the doctor's, unable to bend my leg at the knee without tourniqueting my leg. Sheer pain! I said, get this thing off, no more casts, I can't bear it for 4 more weeks, and he said, it's either a cast or find another doctor. So I got another cast, AND my x-rays to take to another doctor tomorrow. How dare I object to his medical wisdom? I need a doctor who will work with me on this, keep me from going berserk, and if it isn't healing, go for the surgery. I already didn't like this guy, and he wouldn't even discuss a walking boot, air cast, or anything but a damned fiberglass cast that can't be removed, gotten wet, or balanced on.

Raven got her splint off, and is still a little gimpy, but running and playing all the same. She goes tomorrow for her first trip to the groomer, so hopefully she will smell better for a few days at least. It would help a lot if, when she squats to piddle, she didn't subsequently SIT in the puddle. I mean, isn't that a little dumb? The, ah, aura surrounding her is particularly noticeable when she is draped over the shoulder while navigating stairs.

I got my MacBook back today from repair; somehow one of the hinges broke, and it is all of 3 months old. They were amazingly fast, received and shipped it out the same day, can't beat that. It was a warranty repair; when I Googled "Macbook broken hinge" I got 33,400 hits. I thought from the beginning that the hinges were a little creaky, and I wasn't sure how far I could tip the screen back, because it felt like I was forcing it. Alls betta now!

While I am immobile for so much of the time I am doing a lot of reading and a lot of crossword puzzles. I have never been able to use those books of puzzles because I fall to the temptation to look up the answer when I get stuck. Now I download daily puzzles to my Palm Pilot and can get a hint of a single letter or a single word, if I absolutely have no idea (I am REALLY bad at geography questions). And when I get it totally solved, the screen says "congrats!" It's pretty lame when you have to get your kudos from a inanimate object.