Wednesday, May 21, 2008


Today was the therapist, and we went over the mind set that I had at the time of the two suicide attempts. I still don't fully know how I got from vague plans to spur-of-the-moment action. It makes me anxious about the future, to whether I can trust myself to just shuffle along in a gray haze without haphazardly setting a self-destructive scene in motion. So I "check in" with myself, looking for Telltale Signs. It's debilitating to second-guess my everyday actions and thoughts. Should I stop watching tear-jerker movies? Violent movies? Stay away from headline news? Should I be extra watchful when I read mysteries where suicide is a plot element? Is it a significant thought when I learn of an acquaintance's suicide, and my first thought is "How did they do it?"

So wearying.

First golf lesson tomorrow, don't know why I agreed to it. The golf shoes I bought are UGGGLY. My 15 minute attempt at hitting practice balls in the front yard showed me that I can get 30+ swings on 12 balls before I have to go find them. And that finding them is quite challenging, since they can be found anywhere in a 360 degree circle from where I stand. I did get a swell orange "Titelist" visor, bright orange, looks soooo great on my flame red hair that stands up around it a la Albert Einstein. Now all I need are plaid pants.

This weekend we got all three horses curried, clipped, washed, stalls cleaned, water buckets scrubbed, door name plaques up, the whole barn sprayed for flies, auto fly dispenser refilled, aisle cleaned, grain bought and put away, stall fans re-installed, etc etc ad nauseum. The farrier came as we were putting the final bits away, and, I'm sorry to say, did a very perfunctory job, having left their feet too long last time. Think I'll have to try another shoer.

So as I try to sleep tonight, I'll need a little help from my blue oval friends, along with a sleep mask and a CD of nature sounds. If you ever want to try sleepy-time music, I recommend ocean sounds. Under NO circumstances should you listen to Yanni or Kenny G, I find they make my ears bleed.....

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