Monday, April 24, 2006

The Slough of Despond

Starting last Friday, my depression rose up like a tidal wave and swamped the Good Ship Redhead-pop. I tried to go on about my usual weekend chores, but it's hard to disguise it from people who really know you. I'm at work today, but just marking time until my 2:30 doctor's appt. What he'll be able to do I really can't envision, but at least it will kill a couple hours, and then I can go home and crash again. I HATE those commercials for some antidepressant, the ones that start out, "Who does depression hurt?" pointing out that not only does the victim of depression hurt, but that he/she is such a selfish oblivious jerk that they can't see that it hurts their families, too. So you OWE it to your family to be medicated into la-la land, if that's what it takes to keep you smiling smiling happy as a lark tra la. It isn't surprising to me that such a low percentage of depression sufferers seek professional help. For one thing, it costs a bloody fortune for therapy AND meds; the results are often slight and slow, and the depression itself causes a kind of inertia that is hard to overcome. I remember calling my insurance company when I first realized I wouldn't survive if I didn't get help, but the "case manager" was so callous, she made it seem like I wanted therapy because it's such a rush, don't you know, to pour out your most intimate thoughts to a perfect stranger, so they can write it up and send it in to the insurance company for the rest of the world to read too. She all but told me to suck it up, soldier. May she get terminal hemorrhoids while traveling on a bus in Mexico. In the summer.

I think I'll leave now, maybe I can get in to see doc early; at the minimum, I won't have to guard myself against myself every single moment while I'm in his office.

Addendum: The medical doctor deferred changing the meds to the psych. doctor (reasonable) only the problem is, I can't reach the psych. doctor. My therapist tried today (Wednesday) and she didn't have any success either. So I guess the change to this psychiatrist isn't a great success, but I don't have an alternative either. So I shall take enough sleeping meds to keep me quiescent through the night, and see how it goes. Drugs--can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em.


Carolyn said...

I hope you're feeling much brighter today Marilyn :)

I'll never understand insurance companies attitudes either. Everytime I'm put on a prescription adn it starts showing positive signs of helping me, the insurance denies coverage of it any longer and I'm forced to switch.

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