Friday, November 05, 2004

Feeling dark

Am I the only one, or are there other people out there who have noticed that getting older is really about loss? Not the funny kind of losses, like losing your car in a big parking lot, finding it at last only to discover you've also lost your keys. No, I mean the biggies. In the last 5 years, I've lost both my parents, my only sibling, a job I loved, two of my closest friends, my self-respect, my self esteem, and my health. I miss lots of little things too, the ability to fall instantly into a refreshing sleep, the energy to tackle big projects and get them finished, zip zip!, the pleasure of shopping, being able to read the fine print, the camaderie of people who have known you a long time, even dumb things like the horses that used to graze in a pasture nearby (housing development now), and the nice man at the dry cleaners. It seems like there is nothing, nothing at all, that Time hasn't had its heavy hand upon. Life is about change, I know, but why does it seem all the change is for the worse? Why do people seem so rude, so enraged, so careless of who they hurt? I know it's a cliche for old folks to rant about "in my day....(fill in)" but honey, I'm not THAT old. I didn't walk to school 3 miles through driving snow uphill, both ways! If this is but a taste of what's to come, can I be excused now? Is there some cosmic purpose in separating us from our comfortable, predictable, satisfying lives, and make us regret every day we passed in careless disregard for all the things we soon wouldn't have?
I know there are people out there who have suffered horribly from losses far greater than mine, people homeless, in war-torn cities, those who see their children go to bed hungry and cold, those who continue to smile and help out others even in the face of burdens of illness and pain I can't even imagine. I know it's tempting fate to say you've lost so much, 'cause you always have more to lose down the line a bit, so that this Now will look like heaven on earth in another 20 years or even 20 months. But damn, if I feel so bereft now, what will the future be like?

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